Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize