HIV tests are more positive than that guy
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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