Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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