How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
