I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
