He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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