are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
