There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize