I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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