I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
