Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
