My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
