fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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