She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
