no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
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