If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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