This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Pants are for mortals
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize