had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
