a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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