i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize