Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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