roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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