I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
