No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
