did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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