My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
