From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
