we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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