Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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