Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
