How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think i have two assholes
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
