Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
