My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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