hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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