I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
