after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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