I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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