hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
