I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
