this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
