i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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