At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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