I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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