Betty ford says i'm here all night
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
