im so drunk with asians
where?
always
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I pour the whiskey from now on
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
