I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
