I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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