u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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