You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I am naked and annoyed.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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