I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I want to have your abortion
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
