where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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