good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize