i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
