Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
