just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize