I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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