My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
